March 24, 2018

I am the kind of person that doesn’t give up or quit very easily. It will take me countless times to fail in order for me to quit. Sometimes, these failures still doesn’t make me want to quit so my friends or relatives would have to force me into quitting. In some cases, I would have no choice but to give up, but deep down inside of me I know I’m going to be salty for certain period of time.

I have taken that same characteristic when it comes to love and dating. I’m the type of person who doesn’t know when it’s time to stop pursuing or to stop fighting for the relationship even if the other person has already given up. I guess deep down I feel like I can still fix things. It’s in my nature to be bossy since I’m the eldest child and I’ve been told that I have a pretty great leadership skills. I guess I just thought that I could incorporate these traits in love and dating. But I was wrong.

I have just gotten out of a relationship some six months ago, and even if my ex boyfriend and I were done, I felt like I could still do certain things and it would save our ‘relationship’. I tried sending him messages, letters, postcards from different countries I go to, and some gifts. I know, it’s desperate and pathetic. But what can I do? I felt the need to do these things because I thought this was gonna with the love of my life back.

More months passed by and I thought I was ready to go out with other guys again. I went to this one date where this one guy brought me ice skating in New York City. It was a great experience, I’d have to say. Although when I came home, I cried. I cried and cried because I wanted the guy so badly to be my ex boyfriend. Again, it’s such a pathetic thing to do.

I left New York and thought to myself that I’m finally ready to move on and just give up. But boy was I wrong. My ex boyfriend told me that he needed my help and yes, I was very quick to respond and I was ready to rescue him from whatever was bothering him. I find it so stupid of me how I would put my own life on pause in trying to save this one person that doesn’t even care about me. Days and nights have passed and I kept on thinking if I’m making the right decision in saying yes to him. I wanted it to be the right decision, but deep down in my heart, I know it wasn’t.

It took me six months to realise my own worth. All these time I’ve put his happiness before mine, I’ve put his needs first before mine, and I’ve put him first before myself. My friends would call me a martyr or they’d even call me stupid. But what can I do? I loved this person…or so I thought.

At this point, I have completely made peace with myself. I’m not gonna do it anymore. I’m gonna stop my self-torture, and I’m going to live my life the way I want to live it. I’m slowly realising my own self worth, and that my own happiness and needs should come first before anyone else. I have this peace in my heart and I know that finally, I’m ready to quit and give up.

Sometimes, giving up isn’t always a bad thing. It isn’t always a sign of weakness. Today, I have decided to let go of all the things and I have decided to rid myself of the people that push me aside all the time and the people who doesn’t see my worth. Today, I am letting go, and letting go is brave. At least, that’s what I tell myself.

“Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill his promises to her!”

Luke 1:45 NIV

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