July 30, 2018

I have been feeling a bit depressed lately. It isn’t my choice to feel this way, and I feel like I have no control over it whatsoever, but it is making me feel anxious. I used to feel really embarrassed when it comes to my mental health, but I feel like it’s about time I should address it and maybe, write about it. So here goes.

Growing up in the Philippines, there isn’t much people who talk about mental health or caring for yourself mentally. If you go to a shrink, people tease you and talk about you and they’d even call you ‘crazy’. There is a stigma when a person claims to be depressed. I told my mother once before that I might be depressed. She laughed at me and asked, “What are you depressed about? You’re only a kid.” My mistake.

Some of my relationship have crumbled down and quite a few of them are shaky because of my mental health. It has been hard growing up. I did not mind it at first because I thought that maybe if I shake it off, it will completely disappear. But I was wrong. It did the exact opposite.

My recent break-up has been a huge factor in my anxiety. Not because of the person, we’re good. But because of the feelings and the trauma and the pain that I’ve gone through with it. I guess heartache does make a person a little bit crazy. Because that’s what it made me. It made me feel miserable, worthless and completely anxious about myself, my life and my future. It wasn’t really the best feeling, but I’m trying to push past that.

When I was in university, I tried to commit suicide by overdosing on sleeping pills. I am a Christian, and I knew what that meant, but I was so focused on my pain and it was terrible. I told a couple of friends about it and they reacted differently. Some made fun of me by creating this whole joke that they still unearth whenever we see each other. Some did the right thing by calling me and making sure I wasn’t alone and making sure I was alright. To be quite honest, I am so glad I didn’t die that night because there was so much more in store for my life. I have experienced so much and I couldn’t even possibly remember what that extreme problem was that I had to give my life for.

It is 2018, yet at times, it feels like the topic of mental health or raising awareness about this extremely important thing is still a taboo. I wish that weren’t the case, because there are so many people out there who are struggling with depression, anxiety, and different mental sickness that we couldn’t possibly imagine it.

When I become a mother–or right now, as a friend; I want to make sure that I could give the best possible support that I could to my friends or to the people I love. I have lost people through suicide, and I nearly lost mine to it, and it’s hard. It’s traumatic, depressing and very heartbreaking. But it doesn’t have to be that way if people get the support they need.

Currently, I am seeing a shrink (online because i am always on the road). I am not ashamed of it. It makes me better. It feels better to actually have somebody to talk to and somebody who understands. At night, before I go to bed, I talk to the great Healer who, I know, is always there to listen to me and who will never leave me. God is amazing.

If you are currently feeling depressed or if you feel like you need someone to talk to, I highly recommend going to 7 Cups of Tea. It’s a website where you can talk to therapists or just talk to trained listeners. It really helped me a lot, and I’m sure it can help you too.

Mental health is a very sensitive and important topic that needs to be carefully addressed. Lives can be changed once people actually take it seriously. I hope you take it seriously, because you can actually save a life when you do.

I would also like to tell my friends (and readers) that whenever you feel the need to talk to somebody, I will always, always be here for all of you. Don’t ever hesitate on calling or sending me a message. God bless us all!

“Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.”

Mark 11:24 NIV

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