I am currently sitting down on a chair, in an airport, in the very city that me and my ex boyfriend met. I still remember that very day–we were both 18, and it was the eve of my 19th birthday. It was just an ordinary night with a bunch of extraordinary people. Little did I know, I would end up dating a guy from our little birthday group for long term.
I am not one to talk about, or share, about private things that are going on in my life. But there has been one thing that I have been struggling with so badly these past few weeks. What is it, you ask? Well, it is diving back into the dating scene. How does a person, who has been so accustomed in a long term relationship, dive back into the dating scene? It is like gambling, if I may say so myself. Because you never know who you are going to meet, or what kind of person these people are. Because, come on, different people have different kinds of personalities. I get that. Plus, the people that you meet have secrets or habits that you may or may not like. So, it is kind of a gamble.
To be clear, I am not looking for somebody at this point in my life. I just figured that I would write this, because I am always being pressured by my friends to find somebody else or just move on. But you see, I have moved on. Mic and I broke up, more than a year ago…not that I was counting. So, dating is not on my agenda in my current season. But then I really think about it, and I realise that it will be a struggle to dive back into the dating scene when the right time comes.
Last night, a close friend of mine asked me this: “Do you miss him?”
To be fair, I really thought about it. I really did. So then, I closed my eyes and thought for a solid moment. I miss how he knows me pretty well, and more than any other human being–that the slightest flinch in my lip meant something to him. I miss how we would wake up in the middle of the night wanting ramen noodles or ice cream, and just tiptoeing into the kitchen to get some. We always made sure that nobody else woke up from our soft giggles. I miss how we would always fit our clothes into the same massive backpack whenever we would go on a holiday together. Of course, I would be hysterical because I know I overpacked. I miss how I never needed to explain anything, because in one look he would know exactly how I felt. I miss how he would snuggle me at night. Especially on nights when the cold is unbearable, or on nights when I would feel so inadequate that I just start to cry. I miss the little things that he does, and how he would always complain whenever I would put too much salt, pepper or ginger in the food that I cook. I miss the big things too, like waiting for him to come home with me in Newburgh or just plainly waiting for him at the arrival gates of every airport in every city we intended to go to, and getting a massive bear hug that I wished lasted forever.
But you see, it hit me like a pile of bricks. I kept on missing the memories we had together and the moments we have spent together. They were happy moments, and I would, definitely, say that some of the best things in my life happened with him. We graduated (high school + university) together, shifted from country to country together, got nephews together, adopted dogs together, and so much more. I miss all these memories of him, but I do not actually miss him. This was an odd feeling for me, I have never felt something like this before. It is relatively new to me, but I embraced it.
In long term relationships, life gets easier and better. You both know each other, and you both know what makes one another sane. There is no need for introductions or explanations, and the thought of doing both when I dive back into the dating scene drives me nuts! I am very good at making friends, but am terrible at finding boyfriends. My best friend used to always say that this is my curse. I think she is right.
To be honest, where do you even begin?
When I was in a long term relationship, we used to dream about our future together. It is completely normal, but things are different now. The dreams we used to dream together, I, now, have to dream on my own. These plans that we used to plan together, I, now, have to plan on my own. The life we used to live together, I, now, have to live on my own.
To be truthful, it nearly killed me when Mic left. It left a massive hole in my heart. I thought I never would’ve made it, but thanks to the people who cared about me and truly love me, I made it out alive. Although, I still would choose to experience the heartbreak over and over again–if it means that we still get to live the life we once shared.
But in my current season, I am choosing to trust in Jesus. I am trying my hardest to make myself understand that no matter what happens, I know He means well.
For the mean time, here is a little video from the summer of 2016. It was the first summer that Mic and I spent after meeting in Bangkok, Thailand in 2015. This video is kept private in my YouTube page and will be taken down in a week’s time. So, for now, here it is for your convenience. Also, just because I am getting all mushy and sappy in the very city that we met in, almost three years ago.
That is it for now, and I have have to catch my flight to Morocco in a few hour’s time. More content this week, and see you in Africa! Blessings.
“This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters.”
1 John 3:16 NIV