March 11, 2018

Yesterday I caught myself crying. No, I wasn’t in pain physically. No, I wasn’t in despair. No, I wasn’t angry. To put it simply, I was jealous.

I was scrolling through Facebook when photos from my friend’s wedding suddenly greeted me in the face. I mean, I didn’t even knew that she was engaged! Then there she was, smiling from ear to ear in her beautiful white dress, surrounded by people whom she loved and people who loved her. I can feel her happiness from oceans away. She was glowing with joy and beaming with pride, and I can feel it radiate towards her smile. I was happy for her, but I was jealous.

I scrolled further down my news feed then there it was, my friend from high school just gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. I didn’t really expect her to be the type of lady who’s going to be a mother so soon because she had all these big girl dreams. But this friend is very close to me, and I will, most likely, love this beautiful baby girl like how I loved this certain friend. I was gleaming with hope for this new mother, but I was jealous.

I’ve had it. I closed my Facebook then switched to Instagram, then there it was. One of my ex boyfriends’ liked tons of pictures of this girl who I have nothing compared to…or so I thought. Of course, with that being said, I was jealous. I swore I also felt hatred, but mostly just jealousy.

I just completely dropped my phone and focused on what’s in front of me; the beautiful sea on a little island in Thailand, and a sunset just waiting to be seen. I cried and I think the couple next to me felt really sorry for me that they offered me a can of beer just so I would feel better. I accepted the beer and thanked them, but I didn’t feel less shitty than before.

In that moment, I realised something. I’m living the ‘nomad’ lifestyle, and my friends have also been messaging me and commenting on how they wish they could live the life I live. I’ve been out of university for more than two years now, but I have not held a stable job for more than five months. I’ve been working remotely in front of my laptop from the comforts of what this life has to offer. Today I’ll be in Thailand, tomorrow I’ll be in New York, the next day I’m in London, and so on and so forth. I realised that the people I’ve been jealous of are also jealous of me. But why? I want to get married, have a baby, and have a stable life. They want my very unstable life. Why? I think it’s simple. Humans aren’t really contented with what we’ve been given. We always want more. We work harder to achieve more, to know more, to go to different more places. We’re never contented, and it’s sad. I caught myself trying to drown in an ocean of self pity when there’s nothing wrong with the life I’m living. I think it’s human nature, really. I just hope we can change that habit and just strive to be happier and more content with what we’ve been given.

The next time I catch myself trying to sulk and get jealous of other people, I will try to remind myself instead on how blessed I am and how amazing my God is for always bringing us at the right place at the exact right time!

“I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength.”

Philippians 4:11-13 NIV

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